How might it have been different for you, if, early in your life, the first time you as a tiny child felt your anger coming together inside yourself, someone, a parent or grandparent, or older sister or brother, had said, “Bravo! Yes, that’s it! You’re feeling it!” How might it be different for you?
~ Judith Duerk
Have you ever noticed that the more you try to stifle your feelings, the more eager they are to come out?
I used to believe that my “life purpose” was a destination, a point we arrive at in our lives where we can finally feel complete and whole. My destinations have included the perfect career, a soul mate relationship, being a perfect mother and daughter, losing weight, gaining weight, having clear skin, thicker hair, bigger boobs; the destinations go on and on. If only I could achieve these goals, obtain these things, this feeling of restlessness, and uneasiness would dissipate. Then I would be okay. Then this ever-gaping hole inside me would finally be filled. It was like a semi-truck had driven right through the center of my being and I was always trying to fill it with a Smart car. I was forever looking outside myself, comparing how I felt on the inside to what I perceived others having on the outside. If only I could have that, look like her, do what she does, and then I would be enough.
The only problem is that every time one of those things came to fruition, it was still not good enough to fill the void within. There was always something else to do, something more to obtain, someone else to become. One situation after another, one more relationship, one more idea, one more quick fix and then I would finally be living my purpose, right? What I have realized since then is that in all the comparing myself to others, I never once considered the inner feelings they might be having.
I have felt many times in my life that I was the only soul on earth that was experiencing feelings of complete and utter chaos. I spent a lot of time and energy making sure that everything looked okay, and as close to perfect on the outside so that no one would know just how crazy, alone and afraid I felt on the inside. I would do anything I could to avoid feeling these feelings and, more than that, make sure you didn’t know I felt that way either.
Growing up in an alcoholic and co-dependent home, I learned at a very early age that if I could just control how others were feeling around me by getting good grades, cleaning everything perfectly, looking a certain way, becoming an award-winning athlete, there would be no reason for people to be upset anymore and I would not have to feel the anger, frustration, shame, grief or fear. Maybe then the fighting would stop and we could all just be “normal.”
The problem with that was, of course, that I could not control how others around me were feeling. Plus, I would pick up everyone else’s emotions and absorb all of their stuff, which just added to everything I was already feeling. Somewhere in the midst all of this, I assumed responsibility to fix everyone else so that I could feel valued and appreciated. The only catch was that I was not allowed to feel any negative stuff because then people would judge me and see that I was out of control and the world around me would fall apart. So any time I felt angry, afraid, upset or alone, I created a safe place in my imagination and became someone else. I would read books, watch television, and eat whatever I could find. I also got relief from these feelings when I would participate in sports and running. I am sure that is because it helped to move the energy.
I have also tried many other forms of escape from my feelings and self-judgment like shopping, eating, not eating, relationships, alcohol, drugs, you get the picture. Unfortunately, all these created was more self-judgment and the big “S” word. No, not that one, but shame; which come to think of it, can create a lot of … fertilizer. And boy, has it helped me grow!
Shame comes in many forms of concrete and steel, evoking a self-made prison. It separates me from others, it keeps me awake at night, it tells me I’m not good enough, it holds me back and tells me not to even try, it tells me I’m the only one that feels this way and mostly it dims my light, causing me to forget who I truly am.
I used to confuse strong, so-called negative emotions as being bad or not very spiritual and in so doing would immediately judge them, push them down and hide them. That created shame and feelings of not being good enough. I thought if I actually felt the jealousy, anger, or fear, that I was not worthy of Spirit’s love. I also believed that I was only supposed to share happy, positive feelings with others because if I showed all of my true feelings, you would see who I really was and that I didn’t really have it all together which I was sure would cause me to end up alone. I was constantly trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I became a great chameleon.
Shame has even created physical illness in my body in the form of urinary tract infections, chronic sore throats,extremely painful periods, stabbing pain in my back and so on. Several years back, I encountered a wonderful book by Louise L. Hay entitled “You Can Heal Your Life” that shed some light on the reality that our emotions are directly correlated with pain and illness within the body. It opened my eyes to a whole new world and empowered me with tools to take responsibility and create health, abundance and inner love in my own life.
As a nurse, massage therapist and energy worker, I have seen these illness manifestations firsthand and have come to believe that feeling emotions, whatever they are, is the key to a happy and healthy body, mind and spirit. Put simply, these emotions are just energy in motion or e-motion. The body is made up of billions of electrical impulses, chemicals and matter. I like to think of the central nervous system as being a super highway with many different streets and passageways to various junctions in the body. When we are fatigued and not getting enough nutrition, it’s like a construction zone taking place and although things are still moving, it is slow. Stress and inactivity just add to the “traffic.” When you throw unexpressed emotions into the mix, it is just like a pile up at five o’ clock. The energy or e-motion becomes trapped and stagnant. Physically, we can experience this as tension, pain, knots in the muscles, cravings, or acidic stomach, just to name a few.
When you add in the fact that I was constantly giving away my energy to please others or using it to hide my feelings, all of this made the perfect breeding ground for disease and more fear. In my experience, unexpressed emotion can even cause cancer.
The body is our greatest barometer. It will always tell us what it needs. We just need to pay attention. Think back to a time when you entered a room where someone had just been arguing. You didn’t even have to hear a thing and yet you could still feel the tension, right? Perhaps when you first meet someone, you are immediately drawn to him or her or you may feel like you can’t get away fast enough. This is your body’s sixth sense. This is the wisdom from within, and these feelings will be heard one way or another.
Looking back, I can now see where expressing my emotions has been the greatest asset to connecting with others. Just when I thought I was the only one, I let down my guard and allowed others to see all of me, the real me. And in so doing, not only have I healed, this willingness to be seen has created space for others to feel comfortable in letting themselves be seen and healed. Those dark and uncomfortable feelings I would not allow others to see within me have been the bridge to profound and meaningful relationships. Most importantly, crossing this bridge has also allowed me to fall deeply in love with myself. I no longer need the opinion of others to feel valued and appreciated. I am responsible for acknowledging my own greatness and showing myself appreciation. I do this by participating in activities that make my heart leap with joy. One of my favorite activities is playing with my dog or going to the dog park. You just can’t have a bad day at the dog park!
Since we are beings with a mind, body and soul, it only makes sense that we need to feed all aspects of ourselves. Some of the tools I have used to heal myself include journaling, making sure to express all of my feelings, eating nutritious foods, spending time in nature, practicing yoga, receiving regular massages and energy work, meditating in the bathtub, listening to music, singing and dancing.
Using positive affirmations on a daily basis has been monumental in changing my attitude toward myself and others. I use a dry-erase marker to write them up on my bathroom mirror and then repeat them as I am brushing my teeth and putting on my make-up. I also post them on sticky notes all over the house and repeat them throughout the day. When I first wake up, I spend some time in prayer and give thanks for the day. Then I ask my angels to guide me to be of maximum service. Finally, I stretch my arms really wide and affirm “I am open and receptive to all that is good!”
When angry, I write, scream (usually in the car with windows rolled up), hit pillows, put my feet in the grass, and spend time in my garden. Of course it is of the utmost importance that I communicate my feelings with others in appropriate and non-harmful ways, so when I can speak calmly, I use phrases like “I feel _______ when you _______. All of these actions allow any feelings that can build up and cause me to feel stuck, to be felt and then released, making room for new experiences.
I also feel it is extremely important for me to maintain my own energy. I can observe others and what they are going through, and I can certainly sympathize and relate to their feelings, but I don’t have to absorb them anymore. That is a choice. My choice.
I also have a visualization that I do when I feel myself getting “plugged in” to someone else’s emotions: I imagine a power outlet in their abdominal region and visualize myself removing my plug from their socket and plugging it back into myself. I then send them love in the form of pink mist. This does not mean that I don’t care or that I cannot support them, it simply means I am taking back my own power, maintaining my own energy. Loving someone unconditionally does not mean I have to like everything they say or do. It certainly doesn’t mean I have to approve of their behavior either. It just means I can hold space to love them where they are at exactly in that moment without losing any of my own energy. This exercise has taken a lot of practice, but truly works when I choose to use it.
Today, when I think of my life purpose, I can see that all of my experiences and all of the feelings that I have felt throughout the years have guided me to my true purpose: to create the life I want to live and love myself and others unconditionally. So I say, “Yes, that’s it! You’ve got it! You’re feeling it! Bravo! Now keep going!”
